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“Why Does It Seem Like Everyone Else Is Good At Dating & Relationships…Except Me?” | The CognoZen Method

“Why does it seem like everyone else is good at dating and relationships…except me?”

“Why does it seem like everyone else is good at dating and relationships…except me?”

This was a question that I saw in the Reddit Advice feed a couple of days ago and it really struck a chord with me.

Not just because I felt compassion for this sweet soon-to-be-college graduate, but because it’s a question I used to ask myself often in my younger years.

Building connections with people – platonic or romantic – in the age of social media seems like it’s become a lost art. Building true authentic intimacy? An urban legend.

As my New York friend so aptly put it, “everything seems so transactional these days.”

It seems like people only want to hear about what you can do for them and have little interest in taking time to get to know the real YOU.

We exchange social media handles and resumes but rarely talk about what we do for fun on our days off.

We ask “Who do you know?” and “What have you done?”, but we rarely ask “When was the last time you saw or heard something so beautiful, it made you cry?”

We catch a blurry glimpse of who someone might be through wine-and-whiskey-laden eyes but we’re rarely brave enough to sit face-to-face and soberly take in another person’s wonderfully imperfect glory. (Usually because it’s too hard for us to face our own, let alone celebrate someone else’s.)

And yet, despite all these challenges, we all have friends who bounce from one relationship to the next as if it were the easiest thing to do.

In a room full of socially awkward humans searching for courage in the bottom of their blunt or cocktail glass, they manage to consistently attract people that are cute and can hold some semblance of a conversation.

How the heck do they do it?? What gene do they have that us awkward turtles lack?? Why is dating so easy for them while I’m in a corner overthinking the right way to say “hi”??

Well, I have some theories that I’m going to share with you now.

Disclaimer:

First let me start by saying that all of these theories are my personal opinions that stem from years of watching some of my friends go from one relationship to the next. None of these are judgments, nor are they universal facts. Every human being is different, and 50 people can do the same exact thing for 50 different reasons. My words are not bond so feel free to take them with a grain of salt.

1. They care more about having someone (anyone) around right now than finding the “right” person they’ll want to keep around long-term

A lot of people can’t stand being alone.

They’re afraid of their own thoughts and the feelings that come up when they spend too much time in silence.

They think the word “alone” is synonymous with “lonely” and haven’t learned how to be their own best friend and perfect companion yet.

So when they go through a breakup they’re terrified of the void that’s left behind, even if they don’t show it. So they become desperate to fill that void. With who? Doesn’t matter. As long as they’re remotely attracted to the person and have decent sex with them, anyone will do.

To the untrained eye it may seem as if they’re totally perfect and charismatic and can catch men/women like a frog catches flies…and maybe they can!

But they’re also so afraid of being alone that they’re willing to settle for the next decent person that can temporarily distract them from the thoughts and emotions that they aren’t willing to face yet.

They don’t jump from relationship to relationship because they like it. They do it because it’s a survival tactic.

2. They keep things surface-level.

Some people believe that having sex with the same person regularly is all that’s required to give the connection the title of “relationship”.

But relationships are so much more than physical, in my opinion.

For me, a true romantic relationship is one where I feel safe enough to completely be myself, bearing all my beauty and ugliness at the same time, confident that the other person can accept and love me in spite of it.

It’s when I can share whatever’s on my mind and we engage in a dialogue that inspires me to widen my perspective and come to new conclusions that I wouldn’t have discovered on my own.

It’s when I’m regularly stretched outside of my comfort zone in ways that are healthy and help me grow into a greater, stronger, and wiser version of myself.

It’s when I repeatedly choose to put self-centered tendencies aside and consider my partner’s thoughts and feelings alongside my own. When I uncover new layers of compassion and tenderness that I didn’t know I possessed before I committed to entering a partnership.

It’s deep for me. And I mean emotionally and mentally, not just physically. (But no one would complain if…nvm.)

And a lot of people prefer to keep things at a surface level.

Good sex and decent conversations are enough for them, so when the relationship ends, it’s not really that big of a loss.

As a matter of fact, I noticed a pattern where my friends talked more about how much they would miss the sex than they did about missing the person after a breakup.

So yeah…it’s easy to build a surface connection with anyone, and to move on to something else that’s light after a surface connection breakup.

But when it’s deep and raw and intimate and real?

Nah. Not as likely.

3. They actually find dating fun and aren’t putting any pressure on it. (Present vs long-term)

Some people are so eager to find “The One” and get married that they put an insane amount of pressure on every date, conversation, text…

Phew. Stressful.

Meanwhile other people view dating as a way of getting to know someone and (hopefully) go out and do something fun for a few hours.

And when you have a more lighthearted approach to things, it’s a whole lot easier to…

1.) See people clearly for who they are instead of fantasizing about who they *could* become to you

2.) Decide if YOU actually like THEM and want to spend more time getting to know them

3.) Walk away if you decide you’re not interested and move on to the next

I’ve noticed that people that are focused on living in the present moment tend to have a lot more fun dating, and they’re more likely to find someone that they’re compatible with and genuinely like!

Now I’m all for going into dating with an endgame in mind, if that’s your thing.

If you know you want marriage, it makes sense to date for marriage and not just for “fun”. Period.

Buuuuuuuuut that doesn’t mean you have to spend every first date imagining how they’ll look in their tux/gown at the atlar (or how they’ll look after you take it off. 😋)

Again, the easiest way to maintain a healthy and secure POV on the situation is to stay present. Figure out who they are, how you feel about that, and if it’ll work for you. Then go from there.

The bottom line is…

The one common thread I see in these toxic podcast episodes and social media debates is that everyone is afraid of getting hurt so everyone is pretending like they “don’t care”. And because of that, intimacy and connection are on a downward spiral.

People are trying to protect their hearts as best they can. It’s understandable. Popular songs, viral posts, and reality TV shows make it seem as though everyone is on the Toxic Train with no intention of getting off.

I’m one of those people who believe that sometimes, too! I’ve guarded my heart for years, and it’s served me well, for the most part. I devoted all of my time to my businesses and projects that I’m passionate about, and it’s worked well for me!

But I’ve decided that it’s time for me to be brave.

In no way, shape, or form am I into the toxic trend. I don’t want to cheat. (I’m a grown ass adult. If I don’t want you anymore, I’m moving on. Period. I’m not sneaking around for shxt.) I love to be in committed relationships and have no interest in chronic casual dating. And, even though the beginning stages of intimacy scare the heck outta me, I loooovvveee going deep. Seriously, spare me the small talk and show me your soul so I can honor, celebrate, and hold space for it.

And I’m not arrogant enough to believe that, in a world with almost 9 billion people on it, I’m the only one who feels this way. There have to be at least 1 billion people who share my desires and beliefs, and out of that 1 billion, the chances of me finding at least ONE that I like are pretty freaking high.

Who knows…maybe it’ll take me a while to sift through the surface-level folk and find someone that wants to go deep with me.

I’ll probably never know what it’s like to jump from relationship to relationship and build a lot of casual connections with people I mostly just tolerate.

And I don’t want to.

The dance of dating looks different from person to person, couple to couple. So don’t feel bad if someone else’s experience looks different from yours.

“Different” doesn’t always equal “better”.

Focus on your own journey and doing what works best for you. Fall more deeply in love with yourself every day so when the right person comes along you know how to teach them how you want to be loved.

Keep getting clear on what you want and never settle for less. And try to enjoy every step of the journey along the way.

If you want to learn how to rewire your brain and nervous system to manifest the relationship that you want, check out the goodies in the CognoZen Freebie Hub and CognoZen Manifest Love 4 All program.

They will definitely help direct you on your path of manifesting the relationship that you want.

Happy dating!

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